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Barney's Fun
(In the forest, near a lake, the Muppets are playing the instruments while most of the pirates, thanks to Jim's crew, are shoving a blindfolded captive) * Zoot: Hey, man! I can't figure out what side we're on. Are we with the pirates or the frog captain? * Floyd: Oh, hey, man, just play the gig. Never get involved in politics. * Animal: (banging the drums) POLITICS! POLITICS!! * (The four continue playing while the evil pirates laugh wickedly at the boy. Then, he is hit to the ground as his blindfold is taken off. There, he sees an evil-looking John Silver) * John Silver: Easy, Jim. It's all in good fun. Pleased I am to initiate you into our; enterprising, um...company. Which entitles you to all the benefits thereof. * Jim: I don't want any benefits! * John Silver: (glances) This is a one-time special offer, Jim, lad. Say no and I will be forced to, um...terminate our relationship. * Jim: You're nothing but murdering pirates! * (They gasp as John Silver speaks) * John Silver: Pirates! (chuckles) Pirates...oh, Jim. If that's what you're thinking......you're dead meat. * (He clears his throat as he begins to sing) * John Silver: (sings) If I was just a lad, looking for my true vocation. My father said, now, son, this choice deserves deliberation though you could be a doctor or perhaps a financier. My boy, why not consider a more challenging career? * (Then the pirates join in the singing while Sweetums and three of the Muppets hold their captive down) * Pirates: (singing) Hey, ho, ho, you'll cruise to foreign shores. * John Silver: Sing it, lads! * Pirates: (singing) And you'll keep your mind and body sound by working out of doors. * John Silver: Show him you've been practicing! * (Then John Silver begins to join in on the singing) * John Silver: (singing) True friendship and adventure are what we can't live without. * Pirates: (singing) And if you're a professional pirate. * John Silver: (singing) That's what the job's about. (to the pirates) Upstage, lads! This is my only number! * (Then he continues singing as he smirks to his captive) * John Silver: (singing) Now take Sir Francis Drake, the Spanish all despise him. But to the British, he's a hero and they idolize him. It's how you look at buccaneers that makes them bad or good. And I see us as members of a noble brotherhood. * (They dance as they continue singing) * Pirates: (singing) Hey, ho, ho. * John Silver: I love it! * Pirates: (singing) We're honorable men. * John Silver: It's poetry in motion. * Pirates: (singing) And before we lose our tempers, we will always count to ten. * John Silver: (singing) On occasion, there may be someone you have to execute. * Pirates: (singing) But if you're a professional pirate. * Clueless Morgan: (singing) You don't have to wear a suit. * (They frown at Clueless Morgan as he looks confused) * Clueless Morgan: What? * Mad Monty: (singing) I could have been a surgeon, I like taking facts apart. * Polly: (singing) I could have been a lawyer, but I just had too much heart. * Clueless Morgan: (singing) I could have been in politics, because I've always been a big spender. * Black-Eyed Pea: (singing) And me, I could've been a contender. * John Silver: (singing) Some say that pirates steal and should be feared and hated. I say we're victims of bad press, it's all exaggerated. We'd never stab you in the back, we'd never lie or cheat. We're just about the nicest guys you'd ever want to meet. * (They continue dancing as John Silver speaks) * John Silver: Well, look at us, Jim. We're a festival of conviviality. * Clueless Morgan: Congeniality! * Polly: That's conviviality, stupid! * Clueless Morgan: That's what I said. * (Back at the Hispaniola, Smollett with Beaker, Dr. Livesey and Trelawney go in the last ship as Smollett turns to the others) * Trelawney: We're ready, o capitan. * Smollett: Good, you men guard the ship while I'm gone. We'll be back as soon as we get Jim. * Trelawney: Yes, yes, captain. * Smollett: Cast off, Mr. Beaker! * (Then, the ship launches off to the island as Smollett grins) * Smollett: Thanks for coming along, men. * Gonzo: Are you joking? Jim is family. * Rizzo: Yes. * (Back at the forest, the pirate smirks wickedly as Zira, Nuka and Vitani place the boy near them) * John Silver: Warn the truth, lad. Do you really think the captain and the squire are planning to share the treasure with the likes of us? Can't hear you? No. And we being the rightful owners; Flint's own crew, who shed our blood getting it here! Join us, lad. Donate your compass to the treasure hunt and get an entire share! * (Then they sing once more) * Pirates: (singing) Hey, ho, ho, it's one for all for one. And we'll share and care alike with you and love you like a song. We're gentlemen of fortune and that's what we're proud to be, and if you're a professional pirate. * John Silver: (singing) You'll be honest, brave and free. The soul of decency, you'll be loyal and fair and on the square and most reluctantly. * Pirates and John Silver: (singing) If you're a professional pirate, you're always in the best of company!